MinaMeow

I finally finished “Gender Outlaw” today. It took me fucking long enough… but, yeah, I finally made my way through it. In my defense, the first 2/3 of the book was read using a library copy and transcribing quotes and entire paragraphs into a notebook. So, yeah, when I finally purchased a copy from Amazon.com and was able to highlight what I wanted to make note of, things went MUCH quicker. Then again, if I weren’t such a geek, perhaps I could have just READ the damn book without being so studious about it. :S

In any case, I had lots of different things come up. I’ve often wondered why I was so passionate about Gender studies. I mean, outwardly, I most certainly seem like a “woman.” No one questions my gender… I’m assumed as female. So, wtf right? Then on one of the very last pages, I read a quote spoken to Kate that made a huge bell go off over my head:

“I’m not a transexual” woman, but I have to create myself as a woman every day of my life, and I know what you’re talking about!” (Gender Outlaw, 1994, p.241)

There are days when I get up, get ready, and just don’t feel like fussing. I decide to just “be.” I’m not putting on a face, not dressing up, and leaving the pretenses behind. When I opt to do my hair, put on make-up, and wear something femmie, I’m acutely aware that I’m putting on a costume. I’m creating a “woman” for others to see. I don’t exactly see my other days as being a “man,” but I suspect if I bought a pair of guy jeans, t-shirt, and flannel (similar to tie and jacket period in JHS or my flannel period in HS), I would feel like I was creating a “man.” Are genders like costumes or masks that we can choose to don and represent each day?

I got to thinking… and I started to remember my childhood. As a little girl I HATED pink. OMG, I can’t even begin to tell you how much I hated that color. I hated almost anything prissy. I was okay with purple, but I liked blue. I played with miniature cars, Tonka trucks, and wanted to skateboard, climb trees, and build a fort with the boys in my neighborhood. While I still enjoyed playing “house” and played with Barbies and Cabbage Patch Kids with the other girls, I never saw myself as the same as them. It amazes me now when I think back. I was an imaginative child who often preferred to play alone with her imaginary friends and/or fighting the forces of evil by being a guardian angel. (Yup, I was a strange child. LOL) Up until my 20s, I was positively convinced that I was Butch. I never saw myself as a “girlie girl” until friends and family finally convinced me that I wasn’t boyish. Obviously it was something they judged as a bad thing, but for me I just recognized that I wasn’t a frilly priss. I still don’t view myself as “high maintenance,” but I’d hardly consider that grounds for being considered queer or trans (under the meaning by Kate Bornstein, “Transgressively Gendered”)… but, perhaps it is? Progressively since Dark Odyssey, I’ve been delving deeper and now, well, I’m not sure of anything.

If anything, right now, I’m sure that I want to explore more. I want to go adventuring into the unknown and prohibited realm of “wrong gender” and then genderlessness. I want to play with things, shake things up, and see what happens. This is going to be fun! ;)

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As a side note:

I’m going to create a survey and do my own research on CDs, TVs, TGs, and those that enjoy forced sissification in the realm of BDSM. I’m really curious to find out what drives each to bend gender in their own particular fashion. I’m curious to see how Loren Cameron’s continuum of gender is practiced. It’s something I’ll have to look into and then see how it matches with the research I do on my own. :)