MinaMeow

I pride myself in always being honest and sincere, but some days I’m a little more transparent to the world than others. Frankly, it’s weird. Sometimes I really feel like “Mina Meow” is a caricature of the “real” me. People have expectations of Her. She’s legendary in some circles (which baffles my mind, but that’s a whole other blog), and well, people sometimes can’t fathom that this incredibly adventurous person has insecurities and fears too. Oh, and boy, do I have a LOT of them.

Every now and again, I break the glass and allow people to see that life for me isn’t always smiles, glitter, and crayons. Last night, after battling with the feelings for a few months, I admitted that I’ve been feeling insecure and depressed about my appearance and dreading upcoming kink events. After gaining a few pounds this semester and going through some gender stuff, I’ve been scared to find out how I’ll be received.  After starting out feeling inadequate in the queer community, suddenly I find myself wondering whether I still have a place within the hetero scene where I started. Will people (especially men) still find me attractive? Will my play-partners still want to play with me?

Most importantly, it was a realization or resolution that prompted me to tweet. It was the realization that I’m not a size 2 and never going to BE a size 2. Nor am I 20 years old (any more). I’m never going to fit the bill of the “perfect woman”… so why should I compare myself to those that do and feel unhappy in the body I’m in just because I’m not? The fact is… I’m me. I’m beautiful, sexy, handsome, smart, and when all else fails… I’m incredibly unique. I shouldn’t compare myself to others because I’m me. I don’t look like them, but that doesn’t make me any less beautiful. (Can you tell this is still a learning process?)

Immediately after posting, I got a response from dear Uncle Nayland (Blake.) Oh, how I adore that man! He said the most amazing thing to me… something only an artist would say,”I think the power of your sexuality comes from the way that all your colors flash and blend, like irridescence.” I mean, really, isn’t that gorgeous? I just stared at the screen and smiled from the inside-out.

How amazing to be seen in that light! And what amazed me most was… I believed him. In that moment, I knew he was right.

It isn’t how I look that makes me beautiful- it’s my inner complexities and the fact that they all collide and smash together beautifully and tragically like a train that runs off the track.

What makes me attractive is my willingness to be all of me.

To be me.

Whoever and whatever that means in each moment.