MinaMeow

As we trimmed the tree with ornaments from my childhood, a time when I went by another name, the irony of my name change and my gender-journey did not escape me. As I placed an ornament with my old name up on the tree, I commented how it felt like it was from another life and how similar it must be for those who are trans. My partner glanced over at me and said, ‘But honey, you ARE trans.” Funny that is, isn’t it? I hardly think of myself in those terms, but she’s right- I am. She stated she thought my old name suited me and we remarked at the irony of it all.

I was given a bi-gendered name at birth. Heavily female socialized yet raised in a home that was supportive of masculine activities and interests, I never felt girly growing up and didn’t even like pink as a child. I had an overactive imagination and preferred adventuring in the woods to playing “house.” I wanted to be able to stand and pee like my dad (and be able to pee in the snow!) I can still recall stating in my late-teens or early 2o’s, “If I had a penis, I would probably never stop touching myself.” Hell, it wasn’t until I turned 22 that I suddenly (almost quite literally) discovered I really was a girl and started to like pink, wear make-up, style my hair, and act decidedly feminine.  Frankly, I was convinced I was a butch tom-boy until my 20′s when years of being told otherwise finally sunk in.

How did I end up coming full-circle? I switched from Toni, a bi-gendered name, to Wilhelmina, a very female-gendered name. Aside of the negative association to the name (having been named after my father, Anthony), years of aggravation over being mistaken for a man or having my name misspelled with a “y” instead of an “i” motivated me to legally change my name to what began as a scene name in 1997. Considering these days I teeter-totter back and forth between female and male genders (as well as embodying both) and struggle to help people see where I’m at by using Mina and Aiden as cues, it seems almost too poetic. On days, like today, when I struggle to find a name that signifies both/all sides of me and come up empty, I wish “Toni” hadn’t had so much baggage- it could have been the perfect solution.

Doesn’t it make you wonder which came first… the name or the journey? I can’t help but wonder if it’s a coincidence I was given that name considering my journey… or if it’s actually to blame for it.

Things to ponder… things to ponder.