Mina Meow

Merging the Two…

Mina Meow — Sat, 06 Mar 2010 21:14:22 +0000

Boy or Girl? Butch or Femme? Labels are convenient. They tell others what to expect, what roles we prescribe to, who we are. But what if we don’t fit neatly into a box? What if those labels don’t fit us, like a square peg trying to be fit into a round hole?

Transgender. Genderqueer. Genderfucker. These labels tell of an identity that veers from the norm. We, who choose to stray from the socialized expectations, walk a path that only the brave and strong can survive. Alone, but joined by our brothers, sisters, and fellow queers on this road, we are different and the pressure to conform and return to the clear lines of male/female, woman/man is strong. The binary and its’ code is pervasive. It is everywhere. You can not turn without its messages of what is correct, what is the ‘right’ way.

From the moment we are brought into the world, we are bombarded with messages about what is proper, what is socially acceptable. Looking in the aisles of toy stores and department stores, the message is clear that boys and girls, men and women, are different. Our parents raise us in the social imperative of the traditional model of gender. Depending on whether the doctor sees an outie or an innie, we are assigned fe/male and then prescribed the gender identity and role of wo/man that we are then expected to become. (Oh, and don’t worry if your sex wasn’t clear to determine- the doctors happily cleared up that “mess” for you! *snicker*) For some, their gender matches the sex they were assigned, and life is good; for others, however, their gender and assigned sex do not [match], and therein lies a discrepancy and a choice. Some choose to walk the line and live the prescribed role and identity that they were allotted at birth; others, like myself, on the other hand, decide to transgress and choose a path all our own. Our journeys and destination (if we have one) may look different, but the process is often the same.

The more I delved into this and learned about myself (and others who have walked this path), I realized that many people become hypergendered before permitting themselves to go against the grain. Many FTMs adopt an ultra-femme identity and way of dressing before they decide to stray from the gender identity and role that they are socially expected to play. In light of this, it’s not surprising I spent that last decade and more creating the persona of Mina Meow- a feminine caricature of the person I am. Being Mina Meow always felt like dressing up (something I enjoy, mind you!), but it was putting on the girl- one of the many costume changes in this theatre called Life. The persona, Mina Meow, was/is like a mask I wear when I want/ed to be someone different.

As I first began to experiment with gender, giving myself freedom to be the boy I feel inside, I kept the two personas separate for my own sake and for those around me. After a while, however, I started to realize my ‘boy’ and ‘femme’ sides weren’t so much separate entities as much as different costumes. I realized that Mina Meow IS Aiden Fyre; Aiden Fyre IS Mina Meow. They really are one and the same… it’s just that the clothing is different (with a few small differences in gendered behaviors).

Giving myself permission to be butch, to discard the socially-expected Barbie/June Cleaver model as the only way to be, has been incredibly freeing. With each layer I’ve peeled away, the more I’ve learned about myself, about who I am and what feels right. It’s a never-ending process and I love seeing things unravel! I love deconstructing myself and discovering something new, some part of myself that I hadn’t been conscious of until now! It’s exhilarating.

So, when people ask if I see myself merging- I tell them ‘yes’. I’m actively trying to merge them so that they are all one piece. I’m a transmasculine butch who just happens to also be a lolita girl and a faggy boy.

I’m masculine and feminine- just a queer mix of both.

Trans Bodies Resource Guide Needs Survey Takers!

Mina Meow — Tue, 02 Mar 2010 13:28:10 +0000

Fellow Trans, Genderqueers, and Genderfuckers… let YOUR voice be heard!

This showed up in Essinem’s inbox, and thought the best way to get the word out would be to put it up on her blog. I couldn’t agree more! Please feel free to repost, talk it up, take it, etc.

Hi everyone,

I’m editing a book and would love your help finding transgender/genderqueer people, as well as their parents and partners for a survey. The answers will appear as quotes in the book, similarly to Our Bodies, Ourselves.

Want to be part of a resource guide for transgender and other gender-variant people?

Trans Bodies, Trans Selves features a line-up of wonderful transgender and genderqueer authors, and they’re looking for your help to make the book amazing.

Take the survey and your thoughts could appear in the book!

Go to http://www.transbodies.com/Survey.html for surveys designed for:

-Transgender/genderqueer people

-Parents of gender-variant children

-Partners of transgender/genderqueer people

Please forward widely.

YOUR VOICE is greatly appreciated!

Laura Erickson-Schroth, MD, MA

Editor, Trans Bodies, Trans Selves

transbodies@gmail.com
http://transbodies.com

Thoughts on Bare Pussies…

Mina Meow — Tue, 16 Feb 2010 04:02:19 +0000

I was just asked why so many models shave their pubic hair completely…any insight? by merocrush

Do you want the practical or philosophical answer? Hmmm… I’ll give you both:

1) Practical – As one who shaved my pussy completely for 10 years, I can tell you that it just FEELS nice. Not only do you feel cleaner and the sensation of smoothness is a delight (plus never having to worry about getting hair caught accidentally), but it’s just a delight to lick! Honestly, there is something to be said for not having to stop to pick hair out of your teeth!!!

2) Philosophical – We prize youth and beauty in this culture. As someone who openly enjoys age play and incest fantasies (and who enjoys dissecting women, gender & society), I’m frankly of the opinion that our culture is not only anti-sex- but also closeted pedophilic. The phrase “Who’s your daddy?” and school-girl play is main-stream porn these days… tell me we aren’t fascinated with youth and innocence! The completely shaved pussy evokes the fantasy of the unspoiled virgin… the forbidden fruit.

Valentines Doesn’t Have to Suck Anymore…

Mina Meow — Mon, 15 Feb 2010 17:34:26 +0000

Valentine’s Day inspires great emotion in hearts across the country. For some, it’s a day of immense happiness, love professed, proposals made- a day where new and old love becomes bright and alive, rekindled with passion and romance. For others, it’s a day of sadness, broken hearts, love lost- a sore reminder of being alone. For those already struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide, Valentine’s Day can truly “suck.” But, not anymore…

To Write Love on Her Arms hosted their 2nd Annual “Valentines Doesn’t Have to Suck (Again)” yesterday. A live chat support room for those struggling with the day, TWLOHA helped people worldwide feel connected to others also feeling alone. In these moments of trial and challenge, connection is what our souls crave most. Kudos to TWLOHA for making that possible.

Although November 13th is the official, “To Write Love on Her Arms” Day, anytime you need to be reminded of why we stay alive, join “Love is the Movement” by writing “Love” on your arm. Spread the word… share the message of hope and recovery.

Love… it’s the reason we stay alive.

____________________________________________________

To Write Love on Her Arms is a non-profit movement dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for people struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury and suicide. TWLOHA exists to encourage, inform, inspire and also to invest directly into treatment and recovery.

VISION:

The vision is that we actually believe these things…

You were created to love and be loved. You were meant to live life in relationship with other people, to know and be known. You need to know that your story is important and that you’re part of a bigger story. You need to know that your life matters.

We live in a difficult world, a broken world. My friend Byron is very smart – he says that life is hard for most people most of the time. We believe that everyone can relate to pain, that all of us live with questions, and all of us get stuck in moments. You need to know that you’re not alone in the places you feel stuck.

We all wake to the human condition. We wake to mystery and beauty but also to tragedy and loss. Millions of people live with problems of pain. Millions of homes are filled with questions – moments and seasons and cycles that come as thieves and aim to stay. We know that pain is very real. It is our privilege to suggest that hope is real, and that help is real.

You need to know that rescue is possible, that freedom is possible, that God is still in the business of redemption. We’re seeing it happen. We’re seeing lives change as people get the help they need. People sitting across from a counselor for the first time. People stepping into treatment. In desperate moments, people calling a suicide hotline. We know that the first step to recovery is the hardest to take. We want to say here that it’s worth it, that your life is worth fighting for, that it’s possible to change.

Beyond treatment, we believe that community is essential, that people need other people, that we were never meant to do life alone.

The vision is that community and hope and help would replace secrets and silence.

The vision is people putting down guns and blades and bottles.

The vision is that we can reduce the suicide rate in America and around the world.

The vision is that we would learn what it means to love our friends, and that we would love ourselves enough to get the help we need.

The vision is better endings. The vision is the restoration of broken families and broken relationships. The vision is people finding life, finding freedom, finding love. The vision is graduation, a Super Bowl, a wedding, a child, a sunrise. The vision is people becoming incredible parents, people breaking cycles, making change.

The vision is the possibility that your best days are ahead.

The vision is the possibility that we’re more loved than we’ll ever know.

The vision is hope, and hope is real.

You are not alone, and this is not the end of your story.

Quick Numbers

-121 million people worldwide suffer from depression. (The World Health Organization)

-18 million of these cases are happening in the United States. (The National Institute of Mental Health)

-Between 20% and 50% of children and teens struggling with depression have a family history of this struggle and the offspring of depressed parents are more than three times as likely to suffer from depression. (U.S. Surgeon General’s Survey, 1999)

-Depression often co-occurs with anxiety disorders and substance abuse, with 30 percent of teens with depression also developing a substance abuse problem. (NIMH)

-2/3 of those suffering from depression never seek treatment.

Untreated depression is the number one cause of suicide, and suicide is the third leading cause of death among teenagers. (NIMH)

About Depression

According to the World Health Organization, depression is one of the leading causes of disability, with approximately 121 million people suffering with depression worldwide. The National Institute of Mental Health states that approximately 18 million people suffer from depression in America alone. Depression does not discriminate across age, race, gender, or class. Among teenagers it is estimated that 20 percent will suffer from depression at some point by the time they reach adulthood. There are also as many as 8.3 percent of teens suffering from depression for at least a year at a time, compared to 5.3 percent of the general population.

About Addiction

The stigma associated with addiction is one of the greatest challenges to recovery. Each year only 10 percent of Americans who need alcohol and drug treatment get the help they need. Yet with treatment and support, people with addiction can lead productive lives.

The Addiction Project has benefited from contributions by the leading experts in the field of addiction. Throughout this website you will find original articles written by experts featured in the Addiction series and more.

About Self-Injury

While not always the case, often untreated depression and other struggles lead to unhealthy ways in which we try and deal with the hurt and pain we are feeling. We try and find anything that we can do to take away the hurt, painful feelings, or negative thoughts we are experiencing. Often the things that we turn to seem to help at first, appearing to provide some of the relief that we need so badly. But, even though they may seem like they help, often they are unhealthy themselves, eventually becoming even greater struggles like addictions such as drugs, alcohol, eating disorders, or self-injury.

Self-injury remained very much a mystery until 1996 when Princess Diana revealed that she had struggled with it. It has become much more visible in society within the last ten years. Self-injury is also termed self-mutilation, self-harm, or self-abuse. It can be defined as the deliberate, repetitive, impulsive, non-lethal harming of one’s self, including but not limited to;

1)cutting,

2)burning,

3)picking or interfering with wound healing,

4)infecting oneself,

5)punching/hitting self or objects,

6)inserting objects in to skin,

7)bruising or breaking bones, and

8)some forms of hair pulling.

While these behaviors pose serious risks, they may be symptoms of a problem that can be treated.

Experts estimate that 4% of the population struggle with self-injury. It has the same occurrence between males and females, even though in popular culture it can appear to be more prevalent among girls.

• Emptiness

• Inability to understand or express feelings

• Loneliness

• Fear

• Past Abuse

• Depression

Self-injury, like many addictions, is often a coping mechanism to deal with some manner of internal pain, many who struggle with it also struggle with other issues such as eating disorders and alcohol and drug abuse. While self-injury may be someone’s way to cope with or relieve painful or hard-to-express feelings and is generally NOT a suicide attempt, relief is always temporary, and usually only perpetuates a destructive cycle that continues the struggle. This cycle often means that those who do not get help can become more depressed and shameful, adding to the pain and need for relief, thus perpetuating the cycle.

The Dangers of Self-Injury - While self-injury may not be about attempting suicide, the damage done while harming oneself ALWAYS carries the risks of inflicting serious, and even lethal, harm to oneself regardless of whether suicide is intended or not. Also the continued cycle of addiction and self-harm, as in substance abuse and other eating disorders can have a destructive effect on one’s health both physically and mentally, and struggles worsen as time continues without treatment.

(SAFE alternatives – www.selfinjury.com)

Self-injury, like alcohol and drug abuse and eating disorders, is addictive, and thus not something that is easy to simply ‘stop’. However, while all addictions are very difficult to overcome, help and treatment are out there and available, and recovery and freedom are possible.We believe this is true whether someone’s struggles may be self injury, depression, drugs and alcohol, body image issues, sexual addiction, or other areas of brokenness.

Research shows that those who seek professional help and therapy have a very good chance of recovery, and finding relief from symptoms such as depression and anxiety as well as others. (APA, 1998)

About Suicide

The World Health Organization (WHO) estimates that each year approximately one million people die from suicide, which represents a global mortality rate of 16 people per 100,000 or one death every 40 seconds. It is predicted that by 2020 the rate of death will increase to one every 20 seconds.

The WHO further reports that:

In the last 45 years suicide rates have increased by 60% worldwide. Suicide is now among the three leading causes of death among those aged 15-44 (male and female). Suicide attempts are up to 20 times more frequent than completed suicides.

Although suicide rates have traditionally been highest amongst elderly males, rates among young people have been increasing to such an extent that they are now the group at highest risk in a third of all countries.

Mental health disorders (particularly depression and substance abuse) are associated with more than 90% of all cases of suicide.

However, suicide results from many complex sociocultural factors and is more likely to occur during periods of socioeconomic, family and individual crisis (e.g. loss of a loved one, unemployment, sexual orientation, difficulties with developing one’s identity, disassociation from one’s community or other social/belief group, and honour).

The WHO also states that:

In Europe, particularly Eastern Europe, the highest suicide rates are reported for both men and women.

The Eastern Mediterranean Region and Central Asia republics have the lowest suicide rates.

Nearly 30% of all suicides worldwide occur in India and China.

Suicides globally by age are as follows: 55% are aged between 15 to 44 years and 45% are aged 45 years and over.

Youth suicide is increasing at the greatest rate.

In the US, the Center of Disease Control and Prevention reports that:

Overall, suicide is the eleventh leading cause of death for all US Americans, and is the third leading cause of death for young people 15-24 years.

Although suicide is a serious problem among the young and adults, death rates continue to be highest among older adults ages 65 years and over.

Males are four times more likely to die from suicide than are females. However, females are more likely to attempt suicide than are males.

Suicide within minority groups

Research indicates that suicide rates appear to be increasing within native and indigenous populations such as the Native Americans in the US and Alaska, and the Aborigines in Australia and New Zealand.

Suicide rates within migrant communities such as African and East Asian Americans or the Black British community are, also of growing concern. Statistics show a rise but in some countries it can be difficult to calculate. For example, in the UK the place of birth is recorded on the death certificate, not ethnicity, therefore reducing data on suicides amongst minority groups.

TWLOHA believes that rescue is possible, and are committed to communicating hope to others who know the daily struggle of living in a broken world.

Sexual Arousal: Aiden vs. Mina

Mina Meow — Sat, 13 Feb 2010 04:14:12 +0000

On FormSpring.me, I got asked the following question:

Being gender-fluid as you are, have you noticed any differences in arousal/climax between your selves?

I would have to say that Mina and Aiden approach sex differently. Mina is seductive, alluring, mostly sexually-submissive- although sometimes she initiates the fun. Mina is the one that wants to be TAKEN. She wants to be lusted after, desired and defiled. Mina’s ultimate fantasy is to be thrown down and made to take a hard cock.

Aiden, on the other hand, is the truely assertive sexual top. He’s the horny teenage boy who is up for almost anything. Want to be fisted? Wanna fuck? How about DP? Aiden is up to the challenge. Aiden is certainly the one who chases. He especially loves the pretty little things. BUT, Aiden also has a deep-seated desire to be taken by a boy… roughed-up, treated like a piece of meat, and fucked hard. He wants to be put in his place… at their feet or under their boot.

Climax, though, I can’t say for certain… that’s something I’m still working on. :)

Girl vs. Woman; Boy vs. Man

Mina Meow — Sat, 09 Jan 2010 20:23:39 +0000

Putting away clothes from Winter Solstice and weeks of disarray, I looked into my closet at all the girly clothes I never wear anymore. Putting away my lolita skirts that I took to the event, my mind raced back to a moment during an Opening workshop at OneTaste. I remember standing in the middle of the room with knee high lolita socks, pig tails, and a sarong seductively draped around my feminine form and hear Racheli Cherwitz’s voice in my head as she remarked how fitting that image was. She said I was part woman and part girl, stuck in the Bardo, afraid to become a true woman. Interesting. Suddenly, standing in my room wearing boy undies, faux-hawk, and Addidas pants and t-shirt, I found the irony almost unmistakable. That was two years ago, and I can’t help but wonder: Was I afraid to become a full-woman because I wanted to stay a “girl”, or was I internally aware of a transformation I would embark on before it began?

Peering into my closet and realizing where I’m at, I find it interesting that I identify as “genderqueer”, “transgender”, “girl”, and “boy.” Nowhere in that list is the label “woman” or “man.” I can’t bring myself to wear the clothes that scream “woman” or “man.” They don’t feel authentic or true. It’s weird. I don’t know what to make of it, but it sure is an interesting observation.

It sure will be interesting to see where this journey leads me and what all this means…

What’s in a Name?

Mina Meow — Tue, 15 Dec 2009 06:37:19 +0000

As we trimmed the tree with ornaments from my childhood, a time when I went by another name, the irony of my name change and my gender-journey did not escape me. As I placed an ornament with my old name up on the tree, I commented how it felt like it was from another life and how similar it must be for those who are trans. My partner glanced over at me and said, ‘But honey, you ARE trans.” Funny that is, isn’t it? I hardly think of myself in those terms, but she’s right- I am. She stated she thought my old name suited me and we remarked at the irony of it all.

I was given a bi-gendered name at birth. Heavily female socialized yet raised in a home that was supportive of masculine activities and interests, I never felt girly growing up and didn’t even like pink as a child. I had an overactive imagination and preferred adventuring in the woods to playing “house.” I wanted to be able to stand and pee like my dad (and be able to pee in the snow!) I can still recall stating in my late-teens or early 2o’s, “If I had a penis, I would probably never stop touching myself.” Hell, it wasn’t until I turned 22 that I suddenly (almost quite literally) discovered I really was a girl and started to like pink, wear make-up, style my hair, and act decidedly feminine. Frankly, I was convinced I was a butch tom-boy until my 20’s when years of being told otherwise finally sunk in.

How did I end up coming full-circle? I switched from Toni, a bi-gendered name, to Wilhelmina, a very female-gendered name. Aside of the negative association to the name (having been named after my father, Anthony), years of aggravation over being mistaken for a man or having my name misspelled with a “y” instead of an “i” motivated me to legally change my name to what began as a scene name in 1997. Considering these days I teeter-totter back and forth between female and male genders (as well as embodying both) and struggle to help people see where I’m at by using Mina and Aiden as cues, it seems almost too poetic. On days, like today, when I struggle to find a name that signifies both/all sides of me and come up empty, I wish “Toni” hadn’t had so much baggage- it could have been the perfect solution.

Doesn’t it make you wonder which came first… the name or the journey? I can’t help but wonder if it’s a coincidence I was given that name considering my journey… or if it’s actually to blame for it.

Things to ponder… things to ponder.

Spoken In A Way Only an Artist Could

Mina Meow — Fri, 11 Dec 2009 06:51:59 +0000

I pride myself in always being honest and sincere, but some days I’m a little more transparent to the world than others. Frankly, it’s weird. Sometimes I really feel like “Mina Meow” is a caricature of the “real” me. People have expectations of Her. She’s legendary in some circles (which baffles my mind, but that’s a whole other blog), and well, people sometimes can’t fathom that this incredibly adventurous person has insecurities and fears too. Oh, and boy, do I have a LOT of them.

Every now and again, I break the glass and allow people to see that life for me isn’t always smiles, glitter, and crayons. Last night, after battling with the feelings for a few months, I admitted that I’ve been feeling insecure and depressed about my appearance and dreading upcoming kink events. After gaining a few pounds this semester and going through some gender stuff, I’ve been scared to find out how I’ll be received. After starting out feeling inadequate in the queer community, suddenly I find myself wondering whether I still have a place within the hetero scene where I started. Will people (especially men) still find me attractive? Will my play-partners still want to play with me?

Most importantly, it was a realization or resolution that prompted me to tweet. It was the realization that I’m not a size 2 and never going to BE a size 2. Nor am I 20 years old (any more). I’m never going to fit the bill of the “perfect woman”… so why should I compare myself to those that do and feel unhappy in the body I’m in just because I’m not? The fact is… I’m me. I’m beautiful, sexy, handsome, smart, and when all else fails… I’m incredibly unique. I shouldn’t compare myself to others because I’m me. I don’t look like them, but that doesn’t make me any less beautiful. (Can you tell this is still a learning process?)

Immediately after posting, I got a response from dear Uncle Nayland (Blake.) Oh, how I adore that man! He said the most amazing thing to me… something only an artist would say,”I think the power of your sexuality comes from the way that all your colors flash and blend, like irridescence.” I mean, really, isn’t that gorgeous? I just stared at the screen and smiled from the inside-out.

How amazing to be seen in that light! And what amazed me most was… I believed him. In that moment, I knew he was right.

It isn’t how I look that makes me beautiful- it’s my inner complexities and the fact that they all collide and smash together beautifully and tragically like a train that runs off the track.

What makes me attractive is my willingness to be all of me.

To be me.

Whoever and whatever that means in each moment.

Pro-Life Nurse

Mina Meow — Wed, 09 Dec 2009 03:43:46 +0000

After posting to the NUSI board at NYU regarding the Call to Action today, I received a response from a fellow nursing student. Here’s what she had to say:

abortion is murder. an embryo or fetus is a human stage of life, as in “infant”, “toddler”, “child”, “teenager”, etc.

So, apparently whatever school she attended previously didn’t teach her punctuation… but, damn, she sure knows how to use those quote marks!

Aside of me being snarky about her grammar, I felt she deserved to have her opinion… although I really HATE when people decide to be self-righteous and respond to these things as if THEY are going to change someone’s mind. It really is quite presumptuous! I mean, really, don’t you think I haven’t already given it a little thought? (Hell, the fact is that I’m NOT entirely comfortable with abortion and that it DOES upset me. HOWEVER, that still doesn’t change the way I feel about the issue- ALL WOMEN DESERVE A CHOICE!)

In any case, here is how I responded (I think I did a fair enough job of biting my tongue and succinctly stating why I feel the way I do):

Behind every choice is a story. I believe everyone has the right to choose what is best for THEM. And while it’s a choice I am thankful to have never had to make, the fact is that women will make that choice regardless of access. Being pro-choice means keeping women SAFE.

In Solidarity,
Mina