MinaMeow

Putting away clothes from Winter Solstice and weeks of disarray, I looked into my closet at all the girly clothes I never wear anymore. Putting away my lolita skirts that I took to the event, my mind raced back to a moment during an Opening workshop at OneTaste. I remember standing in the middle of the room with knee high lolita socks, pig tails, and a sarong seductively draped around my feminine form and hear Racheli Cherwitz’s voice in my head as she remarked how fitting that image was. She said I was part woman and part girl, stuck in the Bardo, afraid to become a true woman. Interesting. Suddenly, standing in my room wearing boy undies, faux-hawk, and Addidas pants and t-shirt, I found the irony almost unmistakable. That was two years ago, and I can’t help but wonder: Was I afraid to become a full-woman because I wanted to stay a “girl”, or was I internally aware of a transformation I would embark on before it began?

Peering into my closet and realizing where I’m at, I find it interesting that I identify as “genderqueer”, “transgender”, “girl”, and “boy.” Nowhere in that list is the label “woman” or “man.” I can’t bring myself to wear the clothes that scream “woman” or “man.” They don’t feel authentic or true. It’s weird. I don’t know what to make of it, but it sure is an interesting observation.

It sure will be interesting to see where this journey leads me and what all this means…

As we trimmed the tree with ornaments from my childhood, a time when I went by another name, the irony of my name change and my gender-journey did not escape me. As I placed an ornament with my old name up on the tree, I commented how it felt like it was from another life and how similar it must be for those who are trans. My partner glanced over at me and said, ‘But honey, you ARE trans.” Funny that is, isn’t it? I hardly think of myself in those terms, but she’s right- I am. She stated she thought my old name suited me and we remarked at the irony of it all.

I was given a bi-gendered name at birth. Heavily female socialized yet raised in a home that was supportive of masculine activities and interests, I never felt girly growing up and didn’t even like pink as a child. I had an overactive imagination and preferred adventuring in the woods to playing “house.” I wanted to be able to stand and pee like my dad (and be able to pee in the snow!) I can still recall stating in my late-teens or early 2o’s, “If I had a penis, I would probably never stop touching myself.” Hell, it wasn’t until I turned 22 that I suddenly (almost quite literally) discovered I really was a girl and started to like pink, wear make-up, style my hair, and act decidedly feminine.  Frankly, I was convinced I was a butch tom-boy until my 20’s when years of being told otherwise finally sunk in.

How did I end up coming full-circle? I switched from Toni, a bi-gendered name, to Wilhelmina, a very female-gendered name. Aside of the negative association to the name (having been named after my father, Anthony), years of aggravation over being mistaken for a man or having my name misspelled with a “y” instead of an “i” motivated me to legally change my name to what began as a scene name in 1997. Considering these days I teeter-totter back and forth between female and male genders (as well as embodying both) and struggle to help people see where I’m at by using Mina and Aiden as cues, it seems almost too poetic. On days, like today, when I struggle to find a name that signifies both/all sides of me and come up empty, I wish “Toni” hadn’t had so much baggage- it could have been the perfect solution.

Doesn’t it make you wonder which came first… the name or the journey? I can’t help but wonder if it’s a coincidence I was given that name considering my journey… or if it’s actually to blame for it.

Things to ponder… things to ponder.

I pride myself in always being honest and sincere, but some days I’m a little more transparent to the world than others. Frankly, it’s weird. Sometimes I really feel like “Mina Meow” is a caricature of the “real” me. People have expectations of Her. She’s legendary in some circles (which baffles my mind, but that’s a whole other blog), and well, people sometimes can’t fathom that this incredibly adventurous person has insecurities and fears too. Oh, and boy, do I have a LOT of them.

Every now and again, I break the glass and allow people to see that life for me isn’t always smiles, glitter, and crayons. Last night, after battling with the feelings for a few months, I admitted that I’ve been feeling insecure and depressed about my appearance and dreading upcoming kink events. After gaining a few pounds this semester and going through some gender stuff, I’ve been scared to find out how I’ll be received.  After starting out feeling inadequate in the queer community, suddenly I find myself wondering whether I still have a place within the hetero scene where I started. Will people (especially men) still find me attractive? Will my play-partners still want to play with me?

Most importantly, it was a realization or resolution that prompted me to tweet. It was the realization that I’m not a size 2 and never going to BE a size 2. Nor am I 20 years old (any more). I’m never going to fit the bill of the “perfect woman”… so why should I compare myself to those that do and feel unhappy in the body I’m in just because I’m not? The fact is… I’m me. I’m beautiful, sexy, handsome, smart, and when all else fails… I’m incredibly unique. I shouldn’t compare myself to others because I’m me. I don’t look like them, but that doesn’t make me any less beautiful. (Can you tell this is still a learning process?)

Immediately after posting, I got a response from dear Uncle Nayland (Blake.) Oh, how I adore that man! He said the most amazing thing to me… something only an artist would say,”I think the power of your sexuality comes from the way that all your colors flash and blend, like irridescence.” I mean, really, isn’t that gorgeous? I just stared at the screen and smiled from the inside-out.

How amazing to be seen in that light! And what amazed me most was… I believed him. In that moment, I knew he was right.

It isn’t how I look that makes me beautiful- it’s my inner complexities and the fact that they all collide and smash together beautifully and tragically like a train that runs off the track.

What makes me attractive is my willingness to be all of me.

To be me.

Whoever and whatever that means in each moment.

After posting to the NUSI board at NYU regarding the Call to Action today, I received a response from a fellow nursing student. Here’s what she had to say:

abortion is murder. an embryo or fetus is a human stage of life, as in “infant”, “toddler”, “child”, “teenager”, etc.

So, apparently whatever school she attended previously didn’t teach her punctuation… but, damn, she sure knows how to use those quote marks!

Aside of me being snarky about her grammar, I felt she deserved to have her opinion… although I really HATE when people decide to be self-righteous and respond to these things as if THEY are going to change someone’s mind. It really is quite presumptuous! I mean, really, don’t you think I haven’t already given it a little thought? (Hell, the fact is that I’m NOT entirely comfortable with abortion and that it DOES upset me. HOWEVER, that still doesn’t change the way I feel about the issue- ALL WOMEN DESERVE A CHOICE!)

In any case, here is how I responded (I think I did a fair enough job of biting my tongue and succinctly stating why I feel the way I do):

Behind every choice is a story. I believe everyone has the right to choose what is best for THEM. And while it’s a choice I am thankful to have never had to make, the fact is that women will make that choice regardless of access. Being pro-choice means keeping women SAFE.

In Solidarity,
Mina

Season’s Beatings to all of my kinky freaky friends!

FetLife is giving away 218 presents this holiday season worth $24,287… if you haven’t already, get on there and enter to win!

Sit on Santa’s lap and tell him
what you’d like for the kinky holidays.

Choose your three favorite toys in Santa’s bag.

Tell Santa if you’ve
been naughty or nice!?!?

Santa knows… he’s perving your pics. :-p

Tuesday, Dec. 8 – Stop restrictive abortion language from getting into the Senate’s health reform bill!

Call Your Senator -
http://www.senate.gov/general/contact_information/senators_cfm.cfm
or
1-888-423-5983

Call-in Script – (Feel free to use your own words – this is just a suggestion!)

Hello, my name is ________ and I am a health professional/physician/medical/nursing student from (city and state.) I am calling today to urge Senator _____ to support health reform that does not compromise women’s health care. The Stupak-Pitts Ban in the House bill punishes women for needing a safe, legal, and common medical procedure. As a future health professional (doctor/nurse) I will have to deal with the consequences of this amendment and its repercussions on my patients’ health. [Insert personal/professional anecdote, if you have one.] Please make sure that this dangerous ban stays out of the Senate’s health reform bill. America needs health care reform, but not to the detriment of women’s health. Thank you for your hard work – I hope that I, as an American, can count on you to work for this important part of reform.

The buzz has started. December madness has begun. Everywhere you turn, people are asking each other what they’re doing for the holidays and New Year’s Eve. “Are you going to (this party or that)?”, they ask. With so much going on, the market being what it is, and the cost of admission to many of the parties, it feels like a daunting choice to make. For most of us, it all boils down to: How do you get the most bang for your buck, the best experience, and see the most people? Considering I’ve seen parties charge upwards of $100 for just New Years Eve, 4 days of stellar presentations and hot play in a sold-out hotel just makes sense. So, guess where *I’m* going? Yup, you guessed it… I’m heading to Winter Solstice! ;)

After hearing incredible things from last year’s debut, there wasn’t really a question of whether I’d go. Hell, I wouldn’t miss it for the world! And this year is bound to be better. (Hehe, no pun intended) With this year’s event being held in our very own sold-out hotel (in Edison, NJ) with access to an indoor pool, hot tub, on-site classes, vending, a fully equipped dungeon play-space for play, and some of the most amazing presenters around the country (have you seen the list of classes?), I think this year will be even better than the last! I’m totally psyched. So much to see and people to do, or is it things to do and people to see?! LOL ;P

The Winter Solstice workshops are a little more laid-back than Floating World in that there are only 4 a day and start at 10am (for those of who play late and want to get at least a little sleep.) There are “tracks” in Rope, D/s, SM, Singles, Poly, ecclectic, and myriad for a wide range of topics and skills. Oh, and I’m relieved to see a few advanced skills classes and queer presenters- woohoo! Already, I’ve figured out that I’ll be attending the following workshops: Del’s “Labels, Identities, Genders, & Titles”, “Owned Owners” and “Top of the Boot”, Sarah Sloane’s “Blood Play 301″, Caro’s “Sacred Pain” and “Leather History, Generations, and Protocols”, GrayDancer’s “Fetish Performance Techniques” and “Flying from the Floor”, and Dov’s “Hogties”. In addition, I’m planning to host a “Littles’ Pajama Party, Pillow Fight, & Bedtime stories” one of the nights. :)

What ELSE do I have planned? Well, the highlight of the event (for me) will be my ritual hair cutting with Del as my first act of 2010 after midnight. After my hook suspension and flesh removal, Del has become an invaluable mentor and guide to me on my path of gender, ordeal path, and spirituality. So… it’s looking I’m ringing in the new year with a buzz- well, a buzz cut (of sorts). As many of you know, my long hair is central to my feeling feminine (and lack of feeling masculine), so I’m hoping this next milestone will mark the next step along my path into third gender- the grey space of androgyny.  I’m excited and nervous; thankfully many of my closest friends and chosen family will be there to mark the occasion with me. (As a matter of fact, my Brother Finn might be getting his mohawk at the same time!) Lord knows, I’m going to need the support!

Aside of all that, I’m not entirely sure what the weekend will bring. I’ll be bootblacking throughout the event, am hoping to get some rope time, and hope to get some good ole fucking in, too. It’s going to be an awesome weekend… hope to see you there!

Oh, and I should have 2010 NYC Sex Blogger calendars on hand… for those of you who want to buy one and haven’t had a chance to get a copy yet! ;)

After seeing the 2009 NYC Sex Blogger Calendar and the amazing good it did by sponsoring the ‘Speak Up’ workshop by Sex Work Awareness’, I just knew that I wanted to be involved! As you would imagine, I was absolutely ecstatic when and said I could be in this year’s calendar!

Getting to shoot with the lovely Diva and amazing Barbara Nitke for the 2010 NYC Sex Blogger Calendar was like a dream- a fairy-tale come true.  And yet, the fairytale wasn’t over. While helping set up for the calendar launch party, Diva asked me if I’d seen the calendar yet. When I replied ‘no’, she handed me a calendar … and much to my surprise, I saw my face on the cover! For a while, I just stared in amazement (after letting out a loud squeal, of course)- I couldn’t believe my eyes!

When I first became active in the Alt and BDSM scenes, I started as a kitty girl; however, over the last 13 years, role play has become only one of the many aspects of who I am in the scene. With each passing year, my interests, passions, and limits have expanded and evolved. Who I am today is very different from who I was when I first started this journey at the age of 18. The young girl of yesteryear would never have believed I’d become the fearless and adventurous pervert and gender transgressor I am today! Capturing that shot of me on the floor bound in rope was indeed a vision of freedom. Like my dear friend, , I find there is amazing strength in submission and freedom in bondage. I have found there is incredible abandon to be found in both the contradictions and ambiguities of life. As I’ve strayed away from the norms and given myself permission to be me, in all facets, I’ve found the wings to fly.

I can’t begin to tell you what an amazing honor it is to be featured with so many amazing bloggers and to have been photographed by someone who exemplifies what I believe in. Not only has Barbara Nitke made a career of photographing sexuality and BDSM, but she and the NCSF (National Coalition for Sexual Freedom) challenged the constitutionality of the Communications Decency Act, a federal statute prohibiting the publication of obscenity on the Internet in 2001. In our own ways, both Barbara Nitke and I are dedicated to opening the eyes of the world to the beauty of all forms of love, sex and passion. Together we share a vision of sexual freedom- I’m so very proud to have collaborated with her in sharing my story.

Special thanks to Diva, Tess, and all of the many people and sponsors that made the 2010 NYC Sex Blogger Calendar possible!

If you haven’t already, please go here to purchase a copy of the calendar today! I should have copies with me at Winter Solstice and DO Winter Fire, so if you haven’t gotten your copy, be sure to hit me up!

It’s still a few months away, but many of us are already lining up our plans for Dark Odyssey Winter Fire. After creating a “Hot Pile of Queer Orgy” party and “Got Rope?” play date invites, I decided to write a post for the DO newbies. For all of you perverts who might be new to the large kink events like Floating World, TESFest, Winter Solstice, and Dark Odyssey, read on.

DOWF10 will be my 3rd Winter Fire and 6th Dark Odyssey event. After
being awarded “Eager Beaver” at my first summer camp and “Most Likely to
Try Something New” at my second, one could say I’m a huge advocate for
making the most out of these events. In the past, I have gotten into all
sorts of trouble, including: a ritual hook suspension, gang bangs and
orgies, fire spinning, shooting with Hogtied.com, a ritual flesh
removal, rope suspensions from big trees, abductions, burials, and so
much more. I’m forever inspiring some kind of mayhem!

So, my advice to all of you is this…

- Make play dates ahead of time! Check out the invites, create ones for
fantasies you’re looking to fulfill, and contact individuals you think
you’d want to engage with. While in all likelihood you won’t get around
to most of them, it’s great to have a few things already lined up!

- If you’re poly or non-monogamous, be sure to discuss limits and such
BEFORE you arrive! There will be MANY opportunities for fun- be sure to
bring your communication skills with you!

- Speak up in classes and try things whenever possible! Hey, you never
know what your newest kink will be! ;)

- If you’re shy, pick up and wear a shy ribbon… of course, be sure to
place it in a creative spot! ;)

- Bring contact cards to the event… trust me, you’ll meet LOTS of
people you’ll be anxious to keep in touch with!

Have a great DO… and I’ll see you in February!

Love & huggles,
Mina/ Aiden